This is the act of love for Day 13: we ordered Papa Murphy pizza for dinner, which would be a nice act of love but actually, this was it: I told G that I actually no longer like Papa Murphy pizza.
It’s been a favorite takeout for years in the family. We get the stuffed family size with the most toppings. It’s an exciting sight for the dinner table and everybody likes it. But for a while now, it’s been slowly occurring to me that I find the crust either too thick or too crispy, and that I actually have a favorite kind, which is thin, doughy and just slightly crispy on the edges. The toppings are varied and heavy, and none of them stands out or complement each other. The pizza is not greater than the sum of its parts. There’s no magic.
For a while now, I let my feelings towards the pizza pass. My other voice says, “It’s no big deal, it’s just pizza. It’ll be over it in a few minutes.” Out of habit, I feign some kind of excitement, an “oooh” or an “ahhh” when it comes out of the oven. When others take their first bite and there’s a chorus of “Hmm it’s good”, “Yum!”, I’ll actually even join in, albeit unenthusiastically, like “Yeah it’s quite good.”
At the end of it, my stomach is heavy, a job has been done, and I am a liar who didn’t like that she lied but also didn’t care that she did. What I do care about now though, is why I lied about something that is not worth lying about.
As soon as I realize I’m lying, I understood why. It’s not just about the pizza. The pizza means something else: Everybody in the family likes that pizza; I no longer do. It means I no longer “fit in”.
Except it doesn’t, right? It’s just pizza!
Even if it does, how long can you keep lying for? The pizza will pass through your system, but I have the feeling that the lying stays and becomes a habit.
I wonder how many other things I’ve been pretending to like even though I’ve outgrown them. Speaking up and self-honesty can be on bigger issues like that I wrote about on Day 5, but it’s also about admitting, at least to yourself, that you no longer like a certain kind of pizza.