The more I think about gratitude, which people talk about a lot, especially over the past few weeks when they reflected on the end of the year, the more resistance I realize I have about it. Come to think of it, it feels very vulnerable to feel gratitude. It can feel like you’re giving your power and control away. It can be uncomfortably humbling to realize how your life and wellbeing is like a joint-effort by your family and friends. Bus drivers, builders, doctors and everybody also contribute. We are so intricately connected and the list of people and things we can be grateful for are endless.
Being grateful feels like surrender. The more I say I’m grateful for something, even just in my own head, the more I feel like I’m falling back on thin air – except it’s not thin air but something much more mysterious, because you are supported, at least for now. And you’re unsure if you can believe that this rainbow colored mysterious air will continue to support you or not. I feel elated at the prospect of it propping me up forever as much as I feel scared and that I might decide to jump off it any second, in case it disappears.
I struggled, in my own words, with feeling grateful for some people in my life – family, in-laws. In this video below, Dr. Brene Brown talks about Practising Gratitude, which is not like having an “attitude for gratitude or feeling grateful”. People who are joyful because they practice gratitude have, actually, a tangible practice such as a journal or saying what they’re grateful for every day at a certain time. So I’ll try to forget about feeling grateful and adopt a gratitude practice.
But I have still many questions.
Anybody feels the same?