The Happy Birthday song to me has always been something you’re supposed to sing with a happy voice, or that you should keep a smile on your face while it’s being sung to you. It’s never been anything special at all. That is until my baby turned 1.
I decided to sing it to her the week before her birthday, kind of to prepare her of the big party where people are going to be singing at her. For a song that I can sing on autopilot, I choked on the first two words because this huge lump in my throat totally got in the way. And then tears start crawling down my face. Good that I started practising this a week prior.
When I told my husband, G, he said “Shouldn’t you be happy about her 1st birthday?”
Yes I was, because we made it. We made it through the first year and she’s the best thing that’s happened to me (second to meeting my husband). She makes me happy and she makes me strong. I didn’t know how to love until I met her.
Yet, as much as it is a celebration that we reached this important milestone, quietly singing “Happy Birthday” to her as she fell asleep in my arms felt really sad.
It felt like we’re saying goodbye.
Something’s going to be gone. Something is already gone before I know it.
It makes my heart break a little, but I love this part too. The sadness alongside the joy just makes this whole motherhood experience that much richer and more beautiful.