poem: Genie in a Bottle

For Moms

Grant me non-bleeding nipples
Grant me a well fed babe
Grant me Freedom
from the breast pump
Before I go insane.

We fear the imperfect
We mistake the Ideal
as Natural
We worry we fret we believe
In battle.

Baby formula!
You’re a genie in a bottle.
For if I can’t survive the now
There’s not going to be a tomorrow.

 

The Day I took my Past to the Park

One day I took my tainted past to a secluded park. I’d stopped working on it, pushed it to the back of my mind, where it became the ghost of my shadow, a secret too painful to keep. Now I laid it on the grass, a coward’s confession to a non-verbal audience.

All the while, however, the sky stayed sunny. The breeze did not avoid me. Squirrels did not start throwing stones at me. Trees rustle, birds chirp, as they always do. Their unanimous non-response startled the voices in my head, a quiet coup to their self-righteousness.

My recklessness, my mistakes, my so-called ruined-ness, now looks no bigger than a fly on the buddha’s shoulder. It hopped on the wind and rode away.

Quiet pooled around me like water, dissolving the cracked, dried stains of my life and carry away with it my fossilized tears.

an invocation: Your Highness, Come!

(when you sit still/meditate, and look for your yearning, and let that grow into a vision…)

Your Highness, Wings of Magnificence, Dancing Priestess of Artistic Expression, Come! Fly over my ship so that I can follow you! Let me ride on the moving island that is your stretched out wings and soar to our hearts’ desire!

I’ve felt you doing jumping jacks inside my heart, knocking atoms into a mexican wave all the way to my shoulders. I’m ready, I’m ready! Break my skin and grow me some wings!

Let me grab you by your claws and swing into a long-awaited life-saving airlift from the dirt of life to which I had banished myself, when I used to devalue my life based on society’s lies. Let me bury my face into the hairs on the back of your neck for comfort. Let me lose my hold, tumble and roll across your back as you play, I’ll be okay.

Because I’d rather be wild and scared with you than see you caged, or watch you die. Because even when you turn midnight blue and cry tears of pain and exhaustion, I’m no longer crying alone. And we know that wings open and close, just as flowers do, just as seasons change. Because when our heart beat as one, finally we know, finally we are. It is a feeling of forever. A forever power. A feeling of profound peace like your life is complete, while at the same time finally ready to live.

Your Highness, Feathered Creature of Freedom! I beg you to wake now and burst into the sky and make a storm of rainbows with your plumage! Come be my guide and let me make you a priority! I’m not really sure where you’ll take me but I want to go. Because you are the essence of me I wish to fully become. Unapologetically.

if you know something bad is about to happen

I read a most frightening horoscope for 2017. I translated it to something like this (fellow Capricorns please proceed with caution):

This is the year of uncovering hidden truths. Whether the truth be good or bad, the most you can do is to accept it. Capricorns prefer to end or phase out relationships on good terms, even though this can be pernicious for the soul. However, this may not be possible this year if the uncovered truth is going to be bad. Try to see it in a positive way, you’ll finally understand what’s been going on. Don’t rush yourself to feel okay again. Give yourself time and space, and learn to confide in friends and people you trust. Try to be grateful for what happened anyway, for the experience and the lessons it brings. The world is a big and wonderful place with plenty of things and people for you to enjoy and appreciate.

Then it tags on a note at the end as if to say, on the off chance that “if the uncovered truth is good, congratulations. You may get married, a promotion or a baby.”

Is this frightening or is it just me? Uncovering truths – like being found out for something you did wrong and you don’t know what it is yet? Or finding out something terrible. And not being able to stay on good terms with people, which means to me a bad break up, which is a dungeon of dark emotions.

I need help. Who has been through this?

The Little Mermaid, I just met her at the 5th Avenue Theatre last week. How would she feel when the Prince find out she’s not human? Mulan, when they find out she’s tricked everyone to believe she was a man. That’s a big lie too.

How about wives who find out her husband has been unfaithful? And husbands who confess or get found out they’ve been cheating?

These are some life-shattering excruciating truths to be uncovered.

Some of them knew that one day they might be found out.
Some never saw it coming.
None of them are bad people, probably not even the cheating husbands.
None of them, at the beginning of that year, had any idea that this uncovering was going to happen.
Nobody at the beginning of the year have any idea that there would be painful things ahead.

It felt better to know that I’m not alone and people deal with this all the time. When that ominous prediction comes true, I’ll let it hurt and not hustle. 

 


This is the horoscope by a mystic called Monita in Hong Kong.

Day 14: Boundaries 103

pexels-photo-87836
(my caption for this: not graceful but I did it)

Life doesn’t stay still. For the past few days in 14 Days of Love, only good things have been happening. Haircut, taking time off work, going on a trip with my husband, G. And the day after I come back, BAM! The phone rings and with it brings a Boundary Violation Alert!

I’m still not in a place where I can be wholeheartedly grateful for family members doing things for me that I have asked them not to do. Does such a place exists? In fact, I’m in a place where I’m starting to get angry about it, and where I no longer want to persuade myself that it’s no big deal, and then twist myself into smiling and sounding like I’m glad they did it.

There was time for me to think about how to handle this one, and I tried to come up with what to say using “I” sentences instead of “You” sentences.

It went about 80% according to plan, which would have made this a success. But it turned out that I did not like the script I wrote. I seemed a bit disingenuous and passive-aggressive. I sort of went over the top. So, I remind myself that this is like learning hip hop dance. You do get better at it by trying and practicing, but better can sometimes look like a new kind of bad. It’s okay. Doing it badly or imperfectly is not a reason to stop doing it at all. It’s all progress.

four big truths…

 

Four big truths (among many) from this conversation between Emma Watson and Gloria Steinum:

  1. Women can have a disturbing long conversation about how unhappy they are with their bodies and the way they look.
  2. Companies make a lot of money when women feel really bad about themselves.
  3. “Each body on its own make total sense without their ridiculous little bra” and other things that “referred to some other ideal”.
  4. “Body decoration is a human impulse”.

Discussion on body image starts about 50:00 but the whole conversation is worth listening to! I’m sure you’ll find others that resonate with you!